Velveeta nail polish

No, You Will Not Buy The Cheese Nail Polish

Warning: if you are someone who likes quirky products, this article may not be for you. In fact, this whole article is about how we, as a society, are absolutely failing. We are doing the most. Way too much.

If you’re wondering why you sense panic in my tone, it’s because something broke my faith in humanity recently: Velveeta nail polish. Cheese scented nail polish to be exact. I don’t know how to continue spelling out this heinous reality. It even comes with nail stickers that make it look like cheese is physically dripping down your nails! Excuse me while I vomit.

Did Diary of a Wimpy Kid not scar everyone enough?! Were you not deathly afraid of having the Cheese Touch? Will we ever learn that we don’t have to turn everything into a beauty product?

The whole point of having the wretched Cheese Touch is that if you’re a carrier, you become a social outcast. So why, why on earth would someone want to be the living, breathing embodiment of this?

Look, I’m all for creative freedom, but we have 1,000% gone too far lately. Velveeta has no place in the beauty industry – it barely has a place in the cheese industry – and your precious nails have no business stinking of cheese. I can not think of a less attractive trope than cheesy nails.

I’m not just here due to Velveeta’s war on nail polish, but because of all those niche trends in general that have simply…CROSSED. THE. LINE. Just because you love Velveeta’s shell mac doesn’t mean you need to smell like it.

From 0-100 Way Too Quick

The issue is that we got overzealous. Classic items we know and love should stay in their lane. I’m looking at you French’s – no one needs ketchup popsicles.

Curly fry flavored vodka, pumpkin spice ramen, ramen soda, you get the point. Okay, we love these flavors in their purest form – why ruin a good thing? In the end, you’ll probably get tired of it. You love ramen, and you love soda, but the mix of the two may only taste good for one sip. IF AT ALL.

What I’m saying is that it’s overkill. Just go buy a package of Velveeta and eat it. Buy the product that makes you think about buying the weird spinoff version of it, because that’s the product that made an impression on you.

French's ketchup popsicles

It seems like nowadays, brands will just release products completely out of their market just to say they did it. The scary part is we, the consumer, are buying into it. So, it subsequently makes them think this is okay. And let me be clear: it isn’t.

But unfortunately, this isn’t just about brands. It’s us. We are doing the most in general. Take the “gym lips” trend for example. The whole point of the trend is to wear a light layer of makeup to the gym.

Yes…you read that right. We are now in the era of wearing makeup to the gym. I get the whole idea that your future spouse may be there. But they’re going to have to love you without makeup at some point and you definitely don’t need to clog your pores more.

A Sense Of Normalcy

In these trying times, I get that you want to seek comfort from beloved products from your childhood or that you want to leap on the next big trend. I encourage you to do the things that make you happy and whatnot. But please, please don’t waste your time and money on cheese nail polish.

If you’re looking for a more avant-garde type product that scratches the cheese touch itch, try Liquid Death. Before you think I’m threatening you, it’s water. Just plain old water. Ole reliable.

Liquid Death Water

Liquid Death is an ideal way to get all of that brand-happy buying out of your system because to the naked eye, it doesn’t look like water. It’s not one of those weird brands that are scented or niche. First of all, it’s canned and called “Liquid Death,” It can look like you’re drinking a soda but the only ingredient is mountain water.

I honestly think brands like Liquid Death, where they just rebranded water, is a better option because we all can benefit from water. Literally everyone needs hydration, and it’s not cheese flavored. (Sorry, I just can’t get past Velveeta’s crime.)

While it’s understandable for brands to see dollar signs in every corner, it’s up to us to put a stop to this bratty behavior. We must band together and regain a sense of normalcy. Why whip ourselves up into a cheese-tornado froth. It’s time to take a deep breath.

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