Let’s get one thing out of the way: I’m newly sober and proud of it. After one too many Sunday scaries and my super embarrassing karaoke rendition of “Toxic” that lives in several phones, I’ve been seriously cutting back. These days, my skin is glowing, my mornings are peaceful, and my brain? It’s working again. 

But here’s what nobody tells you: sobriety ain’t cheap. Rather, ordering a mocktail in Manhattan is ridiculous! I went to brunch with my pals on Sunday — but the menu. Was. Outrageous.

Let’s compare, shall we?

• Mimosa – $12
• Peach Bellini – $13
• Bloody Mary – $13
  Bloody Maria (with tequila) – $15
• Smoky Maria (with mezcal) – $16
• Virgin Mary (mocktail) – $9
• Michelada / Chelada (with beer) – $9

So basically, I only saved 3 bucks and missed out on the buzz. Yay?

And then we gotta discuss the pitcher prices cause they are wild:

• Mimosa Pitcher – $59
• Bellini Pitcher – $65
• Bloody Mary Pitcher – $75

Meanwhile, my Virgin Mary doesn’t even come with a celery stick long enough to stir a decent emotion.

Since When Did Juice Become a Luxury Good?

Don’t get me wrong — I’m so grateful that bars and restaurants even have mocktail options now. There was a time when asking for a non-alcoholic drink meant getting handed a warm Diet Coke and a vibe. But $9 – $14 for a mocktail that’s tomato juice, hot sauce, and sass? I’m starting to feel like I’m paying full price for a party I wasn’t invited to.

And I know, I know. I read this piece about how mocktails are “more complicated than they look.” That they use fancy ingredients. That non-alcoholic spirits cost a ton to concoct — blah-blah-blah. That bartenders are putting in the same amount of effort. And I respect that.

But at the same time… it’s not gin, it’s juniper water. Calm down.

I’m Sober, Not Stupid

Let me paint you a picture. It’s a breezy Sunday. I’m wearing linen. My friends are tipsy off $12 mimosas and I’m nursing a $10 sour cherry shrub in a glass that’s giving “juice cleanse”. I ask myself: Did I just pay $10 to pretend?

And honestly, the answer is yes. Because I still want to participate. I want the rituals. I want the tiny umbrella or the orange twist. I want to cheers without being asked, “So you don’t drink?” every 10 minutes.

But I also want to pay what the drink is worth. Not more.

So What’s a Sober Girlie to Do?

It’s summer. I want to brunch. I want to flirt. I want to sip something that feels special but doesn’t cost the same as a down payment on a Vespa.

Here’s my plan:

• Scope the menu before I go – If the mocktail is more than $9, I ask what’s in it. If it’s just juice and soda, I pass.
• Happy hour, always – Some spots do $6 NA cocktails. That’s where I live now.
• Split the bill fairly – I’m not paying for your 7 Cosmos, babe.

Should Mocktails Cost as Much as Cocktails?

Hell no. Not unless I get all the drama of a cocktail without the consequences. If it’s thoughtfully crafted, layered, botanical, and worth sipping slow? Sure, I’ll shell out. But if it’s basically a Bloody Mary minus the fun… it better come with free fries.

I’m not asking to be treated like royalty. I’m just asking for a fair deal — one where being sober doesn’t mean getting soaked.