The 5 Most Irresponsible Things to Buy During Quarantine
How NOT to spend your money during a global crisis
During a global crisis, it makes sense to stretch your budget to include things that help you feel comfortable and relaxed. That said, it's important to always remain cognizant of other people around you, and to recognize that being able to afford something doesn't necessarily mean you should buy it. Even during quarantine, try not to buy...
There are few sensations in the world worse than being in the middle of a big number two and realizing that you're all out of TP. But while it's great to be well-stocked on toilet paper, there's a fine line between "well-prepared" and "no healthy family of four can possibly poop that much." When panic-buying causes toilet paper shortages, people forget that their friends and neighbors will likely be amongst those who have to suffer the messy consequences. Only buy what you actually plan to use.
Nobody can actually pull off a fedora. It's just not humanly possible. No matter how good-looking someone is, they will 100% look stupid in a fedora. Even if some hypothetical Adonis could wear a fedora and still look fashionable, that hypothetical person is not you. Being alone isn't a good excuse to spend your money on a fedora because without another person there to criticize you, you run the risk of deluding yourself that you look okay. Buying a fedora while quarantining with someone else is even worse, though, because nobody should ever have to see you like that.
Donald Trump Jr.'s entire list of life accomplishments can be boiled down to a single bullet point: Lucky sperm. But self-awareness has never been Jr.'s strong suit, so he wrote an exceedingly slipshod book whining about how imaginary boogeymen are trying to take away his God-given right to say racial slurs. Ironically, such a book could only have been written by someone who is deeply, existentially triggered. The irresponsible element of this purchase is that reading such poorly-written writing will actively damage your brain cells.
Look at how vascular those Hulk Hands are. Sure, they're fun to wear, but here's the problem: You didn't earn them. Hands only get that veiny when you've been lifting weights for a long, long time, and in the world of workouts, there's no shortcut to greatness. Hulk Hands threaten to fill your brain with a false sense of accomplishment, when the only thing you should be filling is your body with protein. And don't forget, you might be able to get away with using Hulk Hands to lift in the comfort of your own home, but as soon as you wear these to the gym post-quarantine, all the pros will see right through your bluff.
Quarantine can get lonely, but is it really possible to get so lonely that you'd be willing to spend $85 on a life-size cardboard cutout of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives star Guy Fieri? Of course buying this life-size Guy Fieri cutout is irresponsible. OF COURSE IT IS. Nobody is saying it's not, absolutely nobody. But let's play Devil's advocate for a second here. What if instead of spending quarantine in isolation, you could spend that time marinating in Guy Fieri's warm, gooey, BBQ presence? Wouldn't that kind of be worth the price of admission, just a little? Maybe the best medicine for this whole pandemic really is a face full of donkey sauce. In light of Guy Fieri's shining blonde tips, perhaps such a flavorful purchase isn't so irresponsible after all.